im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
A bitchslap is in order.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
