I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
