there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
