really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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