i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
