Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just gargled with NyQuil
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
