He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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