What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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