Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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