I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
