I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
