I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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