I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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