i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
