Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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