he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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