Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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