I am spending my child support on dildos
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
