Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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