I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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