Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
