You work out of a Hotel?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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