When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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