i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
