my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My ass is underappreciated
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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