Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
