i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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