my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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