My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
