I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
