I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
