and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
