omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
