So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
