I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
