How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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