I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
3 2 1 whiskey
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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