I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
