sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
