Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
