clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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