The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Randomize