Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
