I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize