tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize