yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
