Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
