Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
