What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
