I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
