I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
