Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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