Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
