Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
