apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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