you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
