i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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