I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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