i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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