Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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