I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize